Masturbaiting On The John

Today, I thought about masturbation.

I had the entire day off and I have been pretty lazy about the screenplay I am writing. So I set out to play catch-up. I did get some work done, but every keystroke was a struggle, as my mind was elsewhere. I tried to hone into the minds of my characters in a desperate attempt to believe that anyone, anywhere, would ever consider reading a work of fiction written by me. More often than this though, I pondered masturbation habits.

I have many thoughts on the subject, as it is an area that I have found myself thinking about often. However, today I had a stunning realization concerning the connection between masturbation, bathroom reading material, the differences between men and women, and coprophilia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coprophilia).

As I entered my living room this morning I was greeted by my roommate Clayton. His attention bounced between Paul Blart: Mallcop, and a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine. Typically, I would find this unusual. Not the Paul Blart bit, as his taste in movies differs from mine, but the Cosmo. He obviously acquired it from his girlfriend. However, sleepy-headed, it first appeared that Clayton was attempting to figure out if Paul Blart was a good date movie based on Cosmo’s latest poll.

Clayton and I read through a couple of the articles. We found most of the suggestions on how to please men, or the declarations of what was “sexy” and what was “skanky” somewhat off-base, and in most cases just downright funny.

When I sat down to write a blog post about the varying thoughts I had pondered concerning masturbation, I had a cascade of realizations.

The first is that it’s probably unhealthy, at least somewhat depending on how often it happens, to use masturbation as a form of procrastination. Maybe not for everyone, but this entire blog is more or less an ode to procrastination, which means I do it a lot (does he mean procrastinate or masturbate?). Regular masturbation, I’ve read, is perfectly healthy, but I spend the better part of each day of my life procrastinating. Which means I am setting myself up for a pretty hefty mid-life crisis, and when I get there I’d like my dick to work and not be old and beaten in from all of my “wild and crazy years” of masturbating out of boredom.

The second was that I had read more Cosmopolitan articles then most other men. Now, I refuse to believe that it is uncommon for men to read Cosmo. How can you not have at least a passing interest in a magazine who’s every cover has the word “sex” written in size 86 font, bolded, and underlined? I would argue that most men have picked it up while in line at the store, or at their girlfriends house, much like Clayton this morning. However, I grew up with an older sister, and a single mother who dated. Every month there was a new issue of Cosmo at my house, and more often than not it was kept in the john. So, throughout the years I occasionally would grab it and read an article.

I then realized that women and men have vastly different tastes in bathroom reading material. I don’t proclaim to be an expert on the masturbation habits of our species, but it seems to me (based on a very small amount of research), that men, on average, probably masturbate at least a little more frequently than women. It is this readiness to rub one out at almost anytime that creates the bathroom reading dichotomy. A woman can sit on the john, push out last night’s taco bell, and read a magazine that spells out how to creatively maneuver between sex positions. A man, who partakes in the same activity will likely have a hard time not masturbating. Their pants are off, there is a full page picture of Anne Hathaway just a page flip away, and they just read about what the editors of Cosmo feel is the “best blowjob he can imagine”. It just adds up. Why not?

I don’t doubt that a woman has found herself with the urge to get one done while in this position, I’m just thinking that perhaps it would happen less frequently than with a man. And this is why in a man’s bathroom you are more likely to find a magazine on sports, or a book of “100 Greatest Your Mom Jokes”. Though occasionally I am sure the latter creates a similar problem, based on which one of your buddies you plan on telling the joke to.

I’m talking about MILFs.

It then struck me that perhaps men who masturbate while, after, or before taking a shit may be at risk of developing coprophilia. Or maybe they have the opportunity to develop it, depending on how you feel on the subject.

The smell of one’s own crap lingering in the air is probably not the biggest turn on to most women or men. However, if one found themselves frequently in a bathroom with reading material that compelled them to masturbate, they may ignore the smell at first. But after a prolonged period of exposure to experiencing an orgasm with that smell wafting through the air, one may be conditioned to require it in order to climax.

I don’t want to say that this would necessarily be a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not into it, but if you are that’s great. I’m just spit-balling a theory on how your fetish may develop in others if not you.

At the end of the day I should have done more work. But if you are planning on taking a dump on someone please make yourself aware of any and all health concerns and have a premeditated plan on how to clean up.